If Edward Could Sweat
by Selene the Slytherin
Summary: A totally random crack-fic inspired by chats on a Twilight RP site. What would happen if Leah developed a taste for Edward? Main Pairing: Edward/Leah. Minor Pairings: Edward/Bella & Jake/Leah. Please R&R. Constructive criticism is good, flames are not.


If Edward could sweat, he would be sweating right now. The crazy pregnant werewolf just wouldn't leave him alone. It had all started half an hour ago when he had been teasing her with a dog treat. She had missed and licked his hand by mistake. Apparently, she had developed a craving for whatever it was he tasted like.

"Er, Leah? Can you please stop licking me? It's making me a bit uncomfortable."

"I wish I could, Edward," she said, pausing to lick him again. "This is all your fault, you know. If you hadn't been teasing me with that damn treat, none of this would have happened. How is it possible for you to smell so bad, yet taste so good at the same time? Hey, Edward. Did you know that you remind me of Lucky Charms?"

"No, Leah," he said, rolling his eyes. "Enlighten me. How do I remind you of a children's breakfast cereal?"

"It's because you're magically delicious," she replied, grinning.

"I don't know whether to be flattered or disgusted by that remark," he responded stiffly, trying to tug his hand away from her.

"Oh no you don't, Eddiepuss!" she admonished, pulling him back towards her. "You're not getting away from me for a long time."

"Did you just call me 'Eddiepuss'?" he asked, unable to believe what he had heard.

"Is that a problem?" she growled, now in the middle of a mood swing.

"Not at all," he replied, unaffected. If there was one thing he had learned in his many years of life, it was to not make a pregnant woman angry. Especially when said woman was possibly capable of causing him bodily harm. After all, he could never fight a female, except for Victoria.

"Good," she beamed. "Hey, Edward. Do you exude crack from your pores or something?"

"Not that I'm aware of," he answered, beginning to find the situation comical. "I really must insist that you stop doing that. What if Jacob or Bella were to come in here and see you licking me like I am some sort of ice cream cone?"

"I can't help it. I've got a craving for you, Edward," she pouted, batting her twinkling eyes at him.

"Excuse me?!" Jake shouted bursting into the room. "You have a craving for him?!"

"Hi, honey," she answered happily, still licking Edward's hand.

"Okay, leech. Tell me why my wife and mother of my unborn children is licking you?" Jake hissed, trembling with rage, his hair and clothes disheveled.

"Because he's tasty," Leah answered, taking another lick.

"Edward!" Bella whined, making her way into the room as well, appearing just as untidy as Jake. "Why are you letting her lick you?"

Edward thought it was weird that both Jake and Bella were all tousled and he took a moment to examine Jake's telltale thoughts. It turned out they were not as innocent as they claimed to be. "What were the two of you doing together? And Leah is just having a pregnancy craving," he said, gesturing to her. "There's nothing wrong with that."

As much as it pained her to do so, Leah stopped licking him for a minute to glare at her husband. "Were you two cheating?" she asked.

"They were," Edward answered for them. "We trusted you both, and you started the game of Twister without us!"

Leah gasped in shock, while Jake hung his head in shame. "I'm so sorry, Edward. It will never happen again!" Bella promised between sobs.

"No. It won't because Leah and I are running away together!" Edward announced unexpectedly.

"What?" Bella shrieked, her jaw dropping.

"B-but...my kids..." Jake stuttered.

"It's fine with me," Leah said nonchalantly, taking another lick. "He tastes great and wouldn't have to worry about breaking me..." Leah glanced at Bella.

So, Jake and Bella just stood there in shock as their pregnant wife and undead boyfriend, respectively, ran off into the sunset together, hand in hand.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Jake asked, "So…you wanna go make out?"

"Okay."

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
